I should be able to spend my time grieving naturally, but instead, I'm battling the owner of Cary Travel Express over taking off Friday. Don't worry, Harley, I would do it again in a heartbeat! I can't even believe that she would diminish the importance of spending time with you. She is a mean, and evil person who only thinks of herself.
I've been stressed out enough over letting my girl go to Heaven. I don't need to defend it to anyone!
Baby, I think this might motivate me to do something for you. I also heard about some start up assistance being offered through the government, so something else to look into. I will devote my life to you! You were the love of my life. XOOXOX
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
How to Occupy My Time
I need to keep myself busy, and would like to pay tribute to Harley in some way. My job is just a job and it's time for a change, and I would love to make an important change.
Some very early stage ideas include:
Some very early stage ideas include:
- Finishing my cookbook from my travels, which is already dedicated to Harley; and
- Finding a way to help people in similar situations with the loss of a dog and being able to afford to give their best friend the best care.
"I Only Wanted You"
This poem really says how I feel....
I ONLY WANTED YOU
They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.
--- Anonymous ---
I ONLY WANTED YOU
They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.
--- Anonymous ---
Daisy
Daisy does not have the natural instincts that Harley had to know when someone was sick, or having a bad day, etc. I don't even think that Daisy realizes that Harley is gone. She realizes that she's free to lay on the pillow in the entryway now, and that she can go downstairs and have the run of the house. She even ran some laps around the basement today, but she seems pretty clueless.
She loved Harley very much, but I just don't think she understands.
She loved Harley very much, but I just don't think she understands.
Guilt, Guilt, Guilt
Now, the major guilt has set in. I'm feeling even worse reviewing the times that I wasn't with her, and how I should have spent more time with her. Gosh, life is sooo short! I can't believe that she was just a cute, little puppy, who loved me from the start over 15 years ago!
I should have taken her on more car rides, and bought her more Frosty Paws, and had her hip replaced. She was my whole world. Now, I have no one to come home to.
Harley, I really hope that it's true what they say, and that you are enjoying your new life in Heaven. It's all that I can pray for because I'm lost without you. I just didn't want you to cry at night anymore or fall when you tried to go outside. I kept telling myself that you were going to break a world record and live to be at least 20. Even that is not old enough! Why do birds live so long? It's so unfair!
I should have taken her on more car rides, and bought her more Frosty Paws, and had her hip replaced. She was my whole world. Now, I have no one to come home to.
Harley, I really hope that it's true what they say, and that you are enjoying your new life in Heaven. It's all that I can pray for because I'm lost without you. I just didn't want you to cry at night anymore or fall when you tried to go outside. I kept telling myself that you were going to break a world record and live to be at least 20. Even that is not old enough! Why do birds live so long? It's so unfair!
January 29, 2011 - The Worst Day of My Life!
Today is doomsday!
Harley was very aware of what was going on. It's not like she was in a coma or anything, which is making this more difficult.
Breakfast
Harley had a bowl of warm. milk. She loves warm milk! It's one of her favorite things. Then, I gave her a piece of string cheese, and at first she didn't want it. I think she was very skeptical because she thought that I hid her medicine in it. Then, I gave her a can of tuna fish, which she gulped down.
I called the Spring Grove Clinic and they said they could get Harley in at 10:00 a.m. I confirmed with Bob, from "A Peaceful Passage," that he could meet us there. So the plan was that I would take her to the clinic, then they would Euthanize her and Bob would take her to be cremated and return her ashes to me.
Almost Time
I just sat and brushed Harley's hair and talked to her. I asked Patty to drive me because my dad was crying (but, he's the one who doesn't want to deal with her anymore). I could drive myself, if that's the case!
Harley did not want to get up, so I had to pick her up and it was so hard not to hurt her and to try to hold her without her helping.
Syd and Patty came with.
Our Final Moments
Bob was already there. I didn't want to carry her in until they were ready because she was so heavy. They had to weigh her first, and her back legs gave out and slid under her, and she peed all over. Now, I had to pick her up again to get her onto the table in the room. This was even more of a challenge because she was on a slippery service, the pee was on the floor below me, and she couldn't help. Plus, she was fighting it all the way. I think she knew!
When I put her on the table, she was squirming all over and putting her feet down, like she was applying the brakes! I just put my arms around her and told her that Grandma Fitz would take care of her and that she could visit Shelby. I told her that she was my "best friend," and the Receptionist started to cry to. She said they weren't supposed to. At some point, the doctor had given her the sedation medicine, and Harley's body relaxed, but my visual of her is with her head down, and her tongue sticking out. I was freaking out about her tongue sticking out. Bob kept checking in. He couldn't believe that I was doing this alone. Then, the doctor, who was Middle Eastern (I wish that she could have had Dr. Bob do this), gave her the Euthanasia shot, and she was gone very quickly. I hugged her and hugged her. I told her that I would see her again one day.
Patty drove home, and then, Sydney and I went to the resale shop and to lunch because I needed to stay distracted.
Internet/Phone
I wanted to go home and post my loss on Facebook, but our phone/Internet service was out. I was so frustrated because I couldn't blog, finish my Harley charm bracelet or anything without a computer. So, I started cleaning out the closet to stay distracted. I knew if I tried to take a nap, it would be even harder to get her out of my thoughts.
I was having a hard time already...thinking that she's going to hate me for doing this to her. I really just wanted to get her back! It's like torture.
Sydney
Sydney was going to spend the night, but decided not to. I went to Culver's with my neighbor Marie and we played a couple games of Scrabble so that I could stay distracted.
Internet
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and went to Patty's to use their Internet. Everyone was so supportive, but nothing anyone could do to make me feel batter or get my Harley back. I just want her BACK!
Sleepless in Spring Grove
Do you know how hard it is to sleep? I miss my girl so much. My heart is breaking.
R.I.P. Harley...September 5, 1995-January 29, 2011
Harley was very aware of what was going on. It's not like she was in a coma or anything, which is making this more difficult.
Breakfast
Harley had a bowl of warm. milk. She loves warm milk! It's one of her favorite things. Then, I gave her a piece of string cheese, and at first she didn't want it. I think she was very skeptical because she thought that I hid her medicine in it. Then, I gave her a can of tuna fish, which she gulped down.
I called the Spring Grove Clinic and they said they could get Harley in at 10:00 a.m. I confirmed with Bob, from "A Peaceful Passage," that he could meet us there. So the plan was that I would take her to the clinic, then they would Euthanize her and Bob would take her to be cremated and return her ashes to me.
Almost Time
I just sat and brushed Harley's hair and talked to her. I asked Patty to drive me because my dad was crying (but, he's the one who doesn't want to deal with her anymore). I could drive myself, if that's the case!
Harley did not want to get up, so I had to pick her up and it was so hard not to hurt her and to try to hold her without her helping.
Syd and Patty came with.
Our Final Moments
Bob was already there. I didn't want to carry her in until they were ready because she was so heavy. They had to weigh her first, and her back legs gave out and slid under her, and she peed all over. Now, I had to pick her up again to get her onto the table in the room. This was even more of a challenge because she was on a slippery service, the pee was on the floor below me, and she couldn't help. Plus, she was fighting it all the way. I think she knew!
When I put her on the table, she was squirming all over and putting her feet down, like she was applying the brakes! I just put my arms around her and told her that Grandma Fitz would take care of her and that she could visit Shelby. I told her that she was my "best friend," and the Receptionist started to cry to. She said they weren't supposed to. At some point, the doctor had given her the sedation medicine, and Harley's body relaxed, but my visual of her is with her head down, and her tongue sticking out. I was freaking out about her tongue sticking out. Bob kept checking in. He couldn't believe that I was doing this alone. Then, the doctor, who was Middle Eastern (I wish that she could have had Dr. Bob do this), gave her the Euthanasia shot, and she was gone very quickly. I hugged her and hugged her. I told her that I would see her again one day.
Patty drove home, and then, Sydney and I went to the resale shop and to lunch because I needed to stay distracted.
Internet/Phone
I wanted to go home and post my loss on Facebook, but our phone/Internet service was out. I was so frustrated because I couldn't blog, finish my Harley charm bracelet or anything without a computer. So, I started cleaning out the closet to stay distracted. I knew if I tried to take a nap, it would be even harder to get her out of my thoughts.
I was having a hard time already...thinking that she's going to hate me for doing this to her. I really just wanted to get her back! It's like torture.
Sydney
Sydney was going to spend the night, but decided not to. I went to Culver's with my neighbor Marie and we played a couple games of Scrabble so that I could stay distracted.
Internet
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and went to Patty's to use their Internet. Everyone was so supportive, but nothing anyone could do to make me feel batter or get my Harley back. I just want her BACK!
Sleepless in Spring Grove
Do you know how hard it is to sleep? I miss my girl so much. My heart is breaking.
R.I.P. Harley...September 5, 1995-January 29, 2011
January 28, 2011
Harley has been struggling with going outside. She doesn't like to get up because her rear legs bother her so much, and give out on her. She has accidents on her pillows, which I have lined with plastic and sheets. Additionally, she is crying at nighttime. I've been sleeping on the floor with her again.
Therefore, I decided, thanks to my parent's continuous guilt-trip, that it would be best to put her to sleep.
When I told my boss, Neelie, that I needed the day off to spend with Harley before putting her to sleep, her response was, "we are too busy." I, the person, who rarely cries, burst into tears! She kepts saying ridiculous things like, why don't you do it on your way home, can't they do it a diferent day, etc. I should have said, "would you like me to get it done on my lunch hour?...Oh, I forgot that we don't get a lunch hour!!!!" Well, she if the official Tin Man...definitely has no heart. I'm sure she would feel differently if it was Diego. I cried throughout the day, and about 2 1/2 hours later, she sent me an e-mail telling me to call Shobha to come in. Just ridiculous! I will have to start the job search soon!
Harley
So, I stayed home with Harley on Friday. She's always so perky in the morning, which makes it difficult. I brushed her hair and sat in the entryway with her.
Final Arrangements
I worked on the final arrangements. The Richmond Vet originally told me that they would come to the house for $340, so that's what I decided to do. It's too difficult to take Harley and I didn't want to stress her out. However, they were now telling me that they couldn't come out on "Saturday," so I was trying to figure out when, and after much going back and forth, they told me that they couldn't do it for 2 weeks! That's just ridiculous. They are so close, I don't know why the doctor couldn't come right after they closed.
The other home euthanasia people wanted $500. I was thinking that maybe I should just postpone this. Then, in the evening, she started leaking urine. It wasn't like she had an accident, it was like a fountain that wouldn't stop. My poor girl! I felt that this was the beginning of the end and that maybe her organs were shutting down.
I called "A Peaceful Passage," and asked him to be on call Saturday and I would try to bring her to the Spring Grove Clinic.
Lunch
I ran out to get an oil change, since I never have time with my work schedule to get this done. I picked up McDonald's double cheeseburgers for Harley and Daisy for lunch. The other difficult thing is that she is still eating well (except when I would try to give her medicine!).
Nap Time
Harley and I snuggled and took a little nap in the entryway. I just stayed with her all day.
Sydney
When Syd came home from school, she brought Harley a stuffed "I Love You" heart. She brought me a photo of Harley and I in a frame that says "I Love My Mommy."
Dinner
After dinner, Sydney and I ran to Jewel and got boneless Ribeye's and Beef flavored Rice-A-Roni to make for the dogs. While I was making the steaks, Sydney was supposed to make the Rice-A-Roni, but she didn't even read the directions, and literally through everything in the pan together! I was worried that it wasn't even going to turn out, but it was okay for them. Then, they had Frosty Paws for dessert.
The Last Night
I slept with Harley on the floor, and she must have sensed something because she leaned against me throughout the night and at one point, she put her head across my back. I thought that she was telling me that it was okay.
Therefore, I decided, thanks to my parent's continuous guilt-trip, that it would be best to put her to sleep.
When I told my boss, Neelie, that I needed the day off to spend with Harley before putting her to sleep, her response was, "we are too busy." I, the person, who rarely cries, burst into tears! She kepts saying ridiculous things like, why don't you do it on your way home, can't they do it a diferent day, etc. I should have said, "would you like me to get it done on my lunch hour?...Oh, I forgot that we don't get a lunch hour!!!!" Well, she if the official Tin Man...definitely has no heart. I'm sure she would feel differently if it was Diego. I cried throughout the day, and about 2 1/2 hours later, she sent me an e-mail telling me to call Shobha to come in. Just ridiculous! I will have to start the job search soon!
Harley
So, I stayed home with Harley on Friday. She's always so perky in the morning, which makes it difficult. I brushed her hair and sat in the entryway with her.
Final Arrangements
I worked on the final arrangements. The Richmond Vet originally told me that they would come to the house for $340, so that's what I decided to do. It's too difficult to take Harley and I didn't want to stress her out. However, they were now telling me that they couldn't come out on "Saturday," so I was trying to figure out when, and after much going back and forth, they told me that they couldn't do it for 2 weeks! That's just ridiculous. They are so close, I don't know why the doctor couldn't come right after they closed.
The other home euthanasia people wanted $500. I was thinking that maybe I should just postpone this. Then, in the evening, she started leaking urine. It wasn't like she had an accident, it was like a fountain that wouldn't stop. My poor girl! I felt that this was the beginning of the end and that maybe her organs were shutting down.
I called "A Peaceful Passage," and asked him to be on call Saturday and I would try to bring her to the Spring Grove Clinic.
Lunch
I ran out to get an oil change, since I never have time with my work schedule to get this done. I picked up McDonald's double cheeseburgers for Harley and Daisy for lunch. The other difficult thing is that she is still eating well (except when I would try to give her medicine!).
Nap Time
Harley and I snuggled and took a little nap in the entryway. I just stayed with her all day.
Sydney
When Syd came home from school, she brought Harley a stuffed "I Love You" heart. She brought me a photo of Harley and I in a frame that says "I Love My Mommy."
Dinner
After dinner, Sydney and I ran to Jewel and got boneless Ribeye's and Beef flavored Rice-A-Roni to make for the dogs. While I was making the steaks, Sydney was supposed to make the Rice-A-Roni, but she didn't even read the directions, and literally through everything in the pan together! I was worried that it wasn't even going to turn out, but it was okay for them. Then, they had Frosty Paws for dessert.
The Last Night
I slept with Harley on the floor, and she must have sensed something because she leaned against me throughout the night and at one point, she put her head across my back. I thought that she was telling me that it was okay.
Monday, January 3, 2011
My Poor Baby
Harley definitely has her issues, and she doesn't like to take her medicine anymore. It's always a challenge to see what we could hide it in.
The other morning my dad got mad at her and told her that he hoped she would die! I told her not to worry because he told me the same thing before! That's just mean. He needs to go to school for classes on being nice or anger management.
Harley is my baby and I don't care how difficult she is. She is old and just needs love and attention right now. Why be mean?
The other morning my dad got mad at her and told her that he hoped she would die! I told her not to worry because he told me the same thing before! That's just mean. He needs to go to school for classes on being nice or anger management.
Harley is my baby and I don't care how difficult she is. She is old and just needs love and attention right now. Why be mean?
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