Merry Crhistmas, Harley

I can't believe it's my first Christmas without you. You always loved Christmas and opening presents. I know you didn't like being cooped up in my car on Christmas Eve.

It doesn't feel like Christmas this year. We have had hardly any snow, and without you to share it, it's just not the same.

Never having a Christmas with you again is so difficult to comprehend. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. You know how much I loved you, and I always will.

I think of you and love you always, not just during the holidays.

XOOXOX
Your Mommy

You Were Near

As I was packing for two  back-to-back trips tonight, I swear that you were there and I was about to say something to you and then I realized that you are not here. It's so freaky, Har.

I wish you were still here, girl. But, how you hated when I would leave you. I wish that I spent more time with you.

I love you!

My Dream

I had a dream about you last night, Har. I was trying to keep you calm 'cuz you were growling at someone. It ended up being Mandy and Brian,, and you surprised me and let them pet you.

The Step

Grandma and Grandpa put another step in at the entrance. I don't know why they were so anxious to put one in after you were gone. It would have made your life much easier. I still picture you falling down when you went outside. It broke my heart, but being without you breaks my heart even more.

Happy Birthday, Lady!

Yesterday, September 5th, would have been your 16th birthday. Everyone is amazed that you were so old, but I know that you loved me so much and I loved you back, and that kept you strong.

I wore your necklace yesterday too.

I hope that you had a Frosty Paw to celebrate. You always loved those!

XOOXOX

Jamaican Me Crazy!

Harley, it's so hard to write to you because it's so sad. I got a necklace that has a heart that I put your ashes in. I took it to Jamaica with me and Gina. Now, you can go with me wherever I go. Grandma ordered me a different necklace that she thought was better so your ashes wouldn't fall out.

I aslo ordered a photo necklace of you too. It was one of your birthday photos.

Life is too short! I know that you lived a long time for a dog, but it's never long enough. It breaks my heart not to have you here. I almost wish that your ghost was here. I believe in them a little since our old house had one, but I guess you can't just ask one to appear. People would think I was crazy for talking to you anyhow!

Ashes

The guy that took you to be cremated came to For Eyes today and put some of your ashes in a necklace for me. That way I can take you on trips with me like I promised. I will show you a lot of places that I've been to and you can see why I wasn't home as often as I should have been.

I hope that you like traveling. We will be going to Jamaica next week with Gina. You like Gina.

Memorial Day

Believe it or not, it's been 7 weeks since Grandma had her foot surgery, so we had Aunt Phyllis and Uncle Gene and Aunt Connie and Uncle Al over. Patty, John, and the kids came too.

I swear that while I was getting ready, just before everyone came, I smelled your poop downstairs. I looked all over because I thought Daisy might have been guilty, but nothing. You used to do that sometimes just before someone came over because you would get nervous. Maybe you were there afterall.

Sometimes I feel you climb into bed with me in the evenings. I just wish that I could hold you again.

If I don't write as often, it's not because I don't want to. It's because it makes me so sad to write.

Nothing is the same without you in my life.

My First Trip Since You're Gone

May 18-21st I went to the Riviera Maya for a short business trip. It was my first trip since you left.

You used to hate when I would pack my suitcase and leave you. Trust me, if I could have taken you with, I would have!

I really wanted to take some of your ashes with me so that you could always be with me now when I travel, but I was afraid to move your ashes myself. I will have to work something out.

Mother's Day 2011

Har, I missed you today! Being your mom was the best role in the wold.

You would have loved it too! It was another holiday that we spent at home because Grandma is still bed-ridden since her foot surgery. I am certain that you would have enjoyed cooking with me.

I wish that you could reply to my posts. I wish that I could see you or pet you again. Now, that would be some Mother's Day present!

I love you and miss you today and everyday. You are always in my heart.

Easter 2011

Happy Easter, my girl.

You would have loved this Easter. We spent it at home because Grandma had foot surgery. I made a delicious meal. You would have loved the ham.

Daisy liked that we were home and she got to eat Easter dinner with us.

I hope that you are happy. I'm so sad and lonely without you. I don't have anyone without you.

I was doing some Spring cleaning today and found your Easter picture. You looked so cute dressed as the Easter Bunny. I wish I could share more Easters with you!

It's getting harder for me to write to you instead of easier. I get so sad and it hurts so much.

I love you Mooshetta!!!

Perking Up!

Daisy seems to be perking up the last few days. I'm not sure if it's because the weather is improving or because she's finally trusting me a little more.

She greets me when I come home, and she will hang out by me if nobody else is home.

Syd and I have been taking her for walks and she's finally walking a little better, but she has to wear her harness. She still barks at everyone and everything that goes by.

When she came downstairs today, she smelled your Las Vegas bandana that Grandma borrowed for good luck when she went to Las Vegas, and she was a little skeptical. She still wonders what happened to you. She is not as smart as you were Harley, but she is very sweet. You had good intuition, but Daisy is clueless.

I hope that she continues to feel better because she has been extremely depressed. So have I, but I really need to get back on track and lose weight again. Buying Cheese/Caramel Corn will not help! I remember how much you loved it. We were so much alike.

I miss you so much! I know how Daisy feels, but she stays home and has nothing to do except think about it all day long.

Daisy is So Depressed

This is how Daisy mopes around since you've been gone...

Your Presence

I think you were laying on my bed last night. When I moved the blanket back to get into bed, it was heavy, like you were laying there. I hope it was you! I miss you so much.

XOOXOX

Facebook Saying

You were supposed to post this on your Facebook page, which I did in your honor...

I wish heaven had a phone so I could hear your voice again. I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday, & days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories & a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I'll never part. God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart! ~~ Re-post if you love someone in heaven~~

Wyatt

Yesterday, my Hewitt friend Mike's dog had to be put to sleep. His name was Wyatt and he was 11 years old. He was similar to you, Har in that he didn't always like everyone. He got in trouble for biting a few times too, but we loved you anyhow.
I created a short video for Mike with photos of Wyatt and it made me very sad. It brought back a lot of painful memories.

I just tried watching your video again, and started crying.

Play with Wyatt and have fun.  I miss you more than you will ever know. I still feel so guilty for putting you to sleep.

Will She Ever Get Over It?

Daisy absolutely does not like me any longer. She does not trust me at all. She looks at me out of the corner of her eye. She hisses at me (like a cat).

If she only knew how it ripped my heart out to do what I had to do. And, I wish that I didn't do it.

I loved Harley more than she did. At least I was nicer to her.

Update

Harley, I haven't forgotten about you although I haven't written in a while. It's just that it makes me so sad. I miss you so much still.

Daisy really misses you too. Although, she still has not forgiven me for taking you away!

I think about you all the time. Sydney is writing a story for her Young Author's class about you.

Sometimes I even forget that you're gone, and I do a second take because I think that I just saw you or I accidentally call your name.

Daisy

Harley, Daisy is really going crazy without you. I think that you were her protection. She shakes even more now and is afraid of every, little noise.

She even peed on my bed one day (on the blanket that I shared with you). I was not happy as I didn't want to wash it.

I really think she might die of a broken heart.

Daisy

Daisy is so lost without you, Harley. She really did love you.

I took her shopping at Pet Smart with Sydney and Sam last night and she was very happy to get out. I took her for a walk to the corner after work today. But, when we went out to dinner and left her alone, she did not like it. She stayed downstairs. She just mopes around all the time.

The Lowecki's

Carol next door just sent me a message. Uncle John told her what happened, and she wanted to see how I was doing. I told her not too good. I can't get out of this funk. I miss you so much. I wish that I spent more time with you. You were always there for me and I miss you so much.

I feel like Cybil Shepherd in "Chances Are."

Please no that I didn't want to let you go. Everyone convinced me that it was better for you. Even Daisy doesn't like me anymore because I didn't bring you back home. You know that I've been through a lot the past couple years, and nothing has been worse than this. The other stuff I could get past, but this pain won't go away.

I thought that I was being a baby because people have lost children and spouses, but you were my baby! People don't realize that you were all that I had.

I wish I knew you were okay and maybe not in pain anymore. Mine is never going to end.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, Harley! I miss you and wish you were here to celebrate with me.

I love you with all my heart.


XOOXOX

For the Love of Harley Video

For the Love of Harley

Pure Country

I named Harley after the girl in George Strait's movie, Pure Country. Here's a song called "I Cross My Heart" from the movie, Pure Country.

Chaser the Border Collie

This dog has hair just like Harley's, breathes like Harley, and has the same eyes as Harley! Harley also used to know the names of all her toys and other things too (e.g., Pink Bunny, Grandma, Grandpa, Sydney, bath, etc.).

Watch the video: Chaser the Border Collie

Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)

This song by Billy Joel is very appropriate: Lullaby (Goodnight, My Angel)

Updated Name

The place that cremated Harley spelled her name wrong on the certificate, but they sent a new one with the correct spelling today. It was our last name that was spelled wrong.

A Message From Dr. Bob

Dr. Bob Lodine sent me a sympathy card, and he wrote...

"Harley had a long, wonderful life, a testament to your loving care. She was a real sweetheart and will be missed. I understand your loss."

I received a number of sympathy cards (from the Cullinane's, Aunt Connie & Uncle Al, the Bitz's, and my friend Lara).

Message From Deanna

My cousin Deanna sent me the following message today:

So I was able to dig up the card you gave me for Carmen. The words meant so much to me. I hope that they will help you too. (sending this in an email is not ideal but I know that I will never be able to find a card with a message as meaningful as this one.)

They will not go quietly,
the pets who've shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know
their spirit still survives.

Old habits still can make us
think we hear them at the door
Or step back when we drop
a tasty morsel on the floor.

Our feet still go around the place
the food dish used to be,
And, sometimes, coming home at night,
we miss them terribly.

And although time may bring new friends
and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts
belongs to them...
and always will.

Video

I've been busy creating a video of your life. You were soooo cute! My best, furry friend.

I'm glad that you were so photogenic and that we had a bunch of professional photos taken. I'm not sure why you became afraid of cameras as you got older. Very silly, girl!

Ashes to Ashes

Mom finally received your ashes today, but they spelled our last name wrong on your certificate and will have to send a new one.

Before mom came home, I took a nap, and had a dream that he was in a car accident, and delivered a very small container of your ashes.

Then, mom showed up with a tin that was much smaller than I expected. I told her to ask him where the rest of you is. I sure hope that nothing happened, Har.

Daisy sniffed your container. She's been really depressed without you. Even though she drove you crazy, she really liked you.

Now, you can be near me again, and sleep in our bedroom.

XOOXOX

Where Are You?

"A Peaceful Passage," the man who took you to be cremated was suposed to deliver you to Grandma at For Eyes yesterday, but I guess he was delayed because of the Blizzard. He didn't come today either. I hope that nothing happened. Wouldn't that be awful?

My Guardian Angel

Harley, you always watch out for your mommy! You had to be there with me this morning when I was driving to work, the day after the Blizzard of 2011. Some roads were decent, but Rte. 14 (Northwest Highway) in Cary was horrible. It was covered in patted down snow and ice. I approached with caution, but it did not good because the car just slid sideways and spun around facing oncoming traffic. Rte. 14 is a very busy, 2-lane stretch of road, and I didn't hit anyone or anything! I did have my 4 wheel drive on too. All I can say is it was a miracle! You had to be watching over me.

Thank you, girl! You are my Hero!

XOOXOX

Blizzard of 2011

You are so lucky that you missed the snow, Harley! I was home today because it was a state of emergency....it was really bad out. When our Internet/phone went out again, I started to take a nap, and I swore that I heard you bark (like you always did when you felt abandoned in the entryway).

Daisy is not so crazy for our food since you are gone. I guess that she just wanted to compete with you. She is a little boogar!

Blizzard

Harley, you would not like today's blizzard conditions, and tomorrow is supposed to be worse....20-30" of snow! You really wouldn't be able to walk in it.

I wish I tried the wheel cart for you (no matter what Grandma and Grandpa said).

Mean People

I should be able to spend my time grieving naturally, but instead, I'm battling the owner of Cary Travel Express over taking off Friday. Don't worry, Harley, I would do it again in a heartbeat! I can't even believe that she would diminish the importance of spending time with you. She is a mean, and evil person who only thinks of herself.

I've been stressed out enough over letting my girl go to Heaven. I don't need to defend it to anyone!

Baby, I think this might motivate me to do something for you. I also heard about some start up assistance being offered through the government, so something else to look into. I will devote my life to you! You were the love of my life. XOOXOX

How to Occupy My Time

I need to keep myself busy, and would like to pay tribute to Harley in some way. My job is just a job and it's time for a change, and I would love to make an important change.

Some very early stage ideas include:

1. Finishing my cookbook from my travels, which is already dedicated to Harley; and
2. Finding a way to help people in similar situations with the loss of a dog and being able to afford to give their best friend the best care.

I am open to other suggestions. Hopefully, trying to think of new ideas will keep my mind occupied a bit.

"I Only Wanted You"

This poem really says how I feel....

I ONLY WANTED YOU


They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

--- Anonymous ---

Daisy

Daisy does not have the natural instincts that Harley had to know when someone was sick, or having a bad day, etc. I don't even think that Daisy realizes that Harley is gone. She realizes that she's free to lay on the pillow in the entryway now, and that she can go downstairs and have the run of the house. She even ran some laps around the basement today, but she seems pretty clueless.

She loved Harley very much, but I just don't think she understands.

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

Now, the major guilt has set in. I'm feeling even worse reviewing the times that I wasn't with her, and how I should have spent more time with her. Gosh, life is sooo short! I can't believe that she was just a cute, little puppy, who loved me from the start over 15 years ago!

I should have taken her on more car rides, and bought her more Frosty Paws, and had her hip replaced. She was my whole world. Now, I have no one to come home to.

Harley, I really hope that it's true what they say, and that you are enjoying your new life in Heaven. It's all that I can pray for because I'm lost without you. I just didn't want you to cry at night anymore or fall when you tried to go outside. I kept telling myself that you were going to break a world record and live to be at least 20. Even that is not old enough! Why do birds live so long? It's so unfair!

January 29, 2011 - The Worst Day of My Life!

Today is doomsday!

Harley was very aware of what was going on. It's not like she was in a coma or anything, which is making this more difficult.

Breakfast
Harley had a bowl of warm. milk. She loves warm milk! It's one of her favorite things. Then, I gave her a piece of string cheese, and at first she didn't want it. I think she was very skeptical because she thought that I hid her medicine in it. Then, I gave her a can of tuna fish, which she gulped down.

I called the Spring Grove Clinic and they said they could get Harley in at 10:00 a.m. I confirmed with Bob, from "A Peaceful Passage," that he could meet us there. So the plan was that I would take her to the clinic, then they would Euthanize her and Bob would take her to be cremated and return her ashes to me.

Almost Time
I just sat and brushed Harley's hair and talked to her. I asked Patty to drive me because my dad was crying (but, he's the one who doesn't want to deal with her anymore). I could drive myself, if that's the case!

Harley did not want to get up, so I had to pick her up and it was so hard not to hurt her and to try to hold her without her helping.

Syd and Patty came with.

Our Final Moments
Bob was already there. I didn't want to carry her in until they were ready because she was so heavy. They had to weigh her first, and her back legs gave out and slid under her, and she peed all over. Now, I had to pick her up again to get her onto the table in the room. This was even more of  a challenge because she was on a slippery service, the pee was on the floor below me, and she couldn't help. Plus, she was fighting it all the way. I think she knew!

When I put her on the table, she was squirming all over and putting her feet down, like she was applying the brakes! I just put my arms around her and told her that Grandma Fitz would take care of her and that she could visit Shelby. I told her that she was my "best friend," and the Receptionist started to cry to. She said they weren't supposed to. At some point, the doctor had given her the sedation medicine, and Harley's body relaxed, but my visual of her is with her head down, and her tongue sticking out. I was freaking out about her tongue sticking out. Bob kept checking in. He couldn't believe that I was doing this alone. Then, the doctor, who was Middle Eastern (I wish that she could have had Dr. Bob do this), gave her the Euthanasia shot, and she was gone very quickly. I hugged her and hugged her. I told her that I would see her again one day.

Patty drove home, and then, Sydney and I went to the resale shop and to lunch because I needed to stay distracted.

Internet/Phone
I wanted to go home and post my loss on Facebook, but our phone/Internet service was out. I was so frustrated because I couldn't blog, finish my Harley charm bracelet or anything without a computer. So, I started cleaning out the closet to stay distracted. I knew if I tried to take a nap, it would be even harder to get her out of my thoughts.

I was having a hard time already...thinking that she's going to hate me for doing this to her. I really just wanted to get her back! It's like torture.

Sydney
Sydney was going to spend the night, but decided not to. I went to Culver's with my neighbor Marie and we played a couple games of Scrabble so that I could stay distracted.

Internet
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and went to Patty's to use their Internet. Everyone was so supportive, but nothing anyone could do to make me feel batter or get my Harley back. I just want her BACK!

Sleepless in Spring Grove
Do you know how hard it is to sleep? I miss my girl so much. My heart is breaking.

R.I.P. Harley...September 5, 1995-January 29, 2011

January 28, 2011

Harley has been struggling with going outside. She doesn't like to get up because her rear legs bother her so much, and give out on her. She has accidents on her pillows, which I have lined with plastic and sheets. Additionally, she is crying at nighttime. I've been sleeping on the floor with her again.

Therefore, I decided, thanks to my parent's continuous guilt-trip, that it would be best to put her to sleep.

When I told my boss, Neelie, that I needed the day off to spend with Harley before putting her to sleep, her response was, "we are too busy." I, the person, who rarely cries, burst into tears! She kepts saying ridiculous things like, why don't you do it on your way home, can't they do it a diferent day, etc. I should have said, "would you like me to get it done on my lunch hour?...Oh, I forgot that we don't get a lunch hour!!!!" Well, she if the official Tin Man...definitely has no heart. I'm sure she would feel differently if it was Diego. I cried throughout the day, and about 2 1/2 hours later, she sent me an e-mail telling me to call Shobha to come in. Just ridiculous! I will have to start the job search soon!

Harley
So, I stayed home with Harley on Friday. She's always so perky in the morning, which makes it difficult. I brushed her hair and sat in the entryway with her.

Final Arrangements
I worked on the final arrangements. The Richmond Vet originally told me that they would come to the house for $340, so that's what I decided to do. It's too difficult to take Harley and I didn't want to stress her out. However, they were now telling me that they couldn't come out on "Saturday," so I was trying to figure out when, and after much going back and forth, they told me that they couldn't do it for 2 weeks! That's just ridiculous. They are so close, I don't know why the doctor couldn't come right after they closed.

The other home euthanasia people wanted $500. I was thinking that maybe I should just postpone this. Then, in the evening, she started leaking urine. It wasn't like she had an accident, it was like a fountain that wouldn't stop. My poor girl! I felt that this was the beginning of the end and that maybe her organs were shutting down.

I called "A Peaceful Passage," and asked him to be on call Saturday and I would try to bring her to the Spring Grove Clinic.

Lunch
I ran out to get an oil change, since I never have time with my work schedule to get this done. I picked up McDonald's double cheeseburgers for Harley and Daisy for lunch. The other difficult thing is that she is still eating well (except when I would try to give her medicine!).

Nap Time
Harley and I snuggled and took a little nap in the entryway. I just stayed with her all day.

Sydney
When Syd came home from school, she brought Harley a stuffed "I Love You" heart. She brought me a photo of Harley and I in a frame that says "I Love My Mommy."

Dinner
After dinner, Sydney and I ran to Jewel and got boneless Ribeye's and Beef flavored Rice-A-Roni to make for the dogs. While I was making the steaks, Sydney was supposed to make the Rice-A-Roni, but she didn't even read the directions, and literally through everything in the pan together! I was worried that it wasn't even going to turn out, but it was okay for them. Then, they had Frosty Paws for dessert.

The Last Night
I slept with Harley on the floor, and she must have sensed something because she leaned against me throughout the night and at one point, she put her head across my back. I thought that she was telling me that it was okay.

My Poor Baby

Harley definitely has her issues, and she doesn't like to take her medicine anymore. It's always a challenge to see what we could hide it in.

The other morning my dad got mad at her and told her that he hoped she would die! I told her not to worry because he told me the same thing before! That's just mean. He needs to go to school for classes on being nice or anger management.

Harley is my baby and I don't care how difficult she is. She is old and just needs love and attention right now. Why be mean?